This is before cherry blossom season, as I dove my car, my wife sitting in the passenger seat said.
“Why are 40 and 50’s people that don’t marry increasing?”
The boards related to bridal were repeatedly into her eyes, which seemed to make her naturally feel so.
The words that she said made me talk to myself inside, “Why those who don’t get married are increasing?”
I got 4 points from my inside.
・You don’t want it.
・If you wished to do, you could not freely express yourself.
・You miss the timing that gets married.
・You chose the life that doesn’t get married.
(I assume that only my ideas are not right and definitions differ from each other)
From now I introduce small guidance on marriage, including my experience.
About 10 years ago, a woman came to take my counseling. Her point was “she wants to marry, but what she does.” The main advice that I gave her was “It’s important to talk to your mother well”. I still remember it well.
You want to get married, but why should you talk to your mother? ( If it was too difficult to recognize the goodness of yourself, first, it might be good to remind that how you think of your mother )
As a matter of fact, this was also true for me.
Around my late 30, I became to feel in my inside strongly that there must a permanent partner who I will meet.
Those who I have been dating for a little long time were the same type of women, and I often felt the life tough in my mind. After all, I broke up with them though, around my late 30, I became to figure out the reason “why I come to date with the same type of women?”
At that time I reached one answer after I repeatedly ask myself. The impression against my mother that I had held was a big problem.
My mother had lived tough childhood that she was not able to live with her mother. Because I heard the story of her childhood from my mother since I was a child, I had had the impression that “my mother was a pitiful person” somewhere in my mind.
And actually, those who I had dated were women who I felt that “pitiful, so I should help”. I remember one thing. When I found out that I had become to date with the same women as I had judged for my mother, I was freakily down just like dropping my head.
After I recognized it, I became to look at points great and extraordinary of my mother. Even though she had hard experiences in her childhood, she had raised me and my brother and sister lovely and fully enough. This was a core strength of my mother. When I became to be able to figure out this point, my view of her was greatly transformed.
I changed my mind about my mother and after around one or two years, finally, I was able to meet my present partner who l married. In this way, the advice that I gave the woman 10 years ago was utilized for me as well, though there is a difference between man and woman.
The impression of my mother that I had as a man is a way of looking at women and that deeply related to a woman who I came to meet as a partner. In the case of a woman, if you put low value on your mother, probably, there might be a possibility where you put low value on yourselves as well.
The point is what kind of impression you have on yourself. It might be hard to recognize this point first. Therefore, I think that it’s good to look back at what kind of impression you have against your mother.
Parents can be a map to get through one’s life.
Parents have a high value of existence for a child, they can show needed things and points to look back. If you have kinds of problems that are not smooth in your life: work and love, a marriage, looking back at the relation with your parents can help you enough.
That is because you can figure out some solutions or correction points for problems you hold now, by looking back at the relation with your parents.
In my case, I was able to get married as I hoped, however, after that, I keep on looking back on myself when needed. I had polished myself through the relation of my parents, and after marriage, I keep on doing the same way through my partner(wife).
It’s been a long story, but I would like to end it after summarizing a little.
First, the important thing is not to look down on yourself.
And You know good parts of yourself and keep on accepting them.
These look easy, but if you could do it from your heart, changes will come up in reality.
The mind inside you is basically important. First of all, how do you perceive yourself? That will make an opportunity with a person who you will meet. In order to make it, it’s important to know yourself and be able to see positively. How you see your parents and looking back at the relation with your parents will be very helpful.
In the case of women, the impression of your mother that you hold can be deeply connected to the impression and the positive feeling that you usually have on yourself. In the case of a man, the impression you have against your mother can be related to your partner who you will attract.
Here, I have given you the guidance, focusing on “the impression of your mother that you perceive”.
Besides that, the relation with your mother (especially emotional problems left behind in the past) can be also connected to problems that come up between men and women. On this point, I will guide you at another opportunity.
As an addition, I will show you important points in the end.
I had profoundly looked back myself, and I ended up reaching the answer, which is “bruise that had been deeply there inside me had made a partner who isn’t really one came to me. That bruise is deeply related to one that I had held in my childhood. My trauma has been healed since that time, which has attracted a person who has had the same emotional scar. And I understood that I had been bothered to make up tough circumstances in my life.
However, the important thing is that I had hard experiences and was able to look back at myself through those tough things. I think that there is no useless experience and vain meeting and all is something precious that makes you grow. I recognized this in the end though, now I appreciate the past experiences.
It took a long time until I reached the final example of my experience. I would be grateful if you could find something useful in today’s guidance. And I appreciate reading to the end.